Have you ever pushed yourself so far away from people, that no matter how many people you are around, you are really still all alone? You find that your feelings do not run so deep anymore, just coast along the surface because you can’t hold your breath that long anymore. You are so withdrawn that you can’t get close and it has become normal. You avoid sentimental movies and opt for comedies because the only emotion you mindlessly allow yourself to feel is laughter. Laughter is good, laughter is safe, you are not afraid of laughter. You find that the only time you are reminded that you have feelings is when you hear the words of an old song that used to mean something to you, or when you catch a part of a movie that grabs you unexpectedly, stabbing a part of you that will never die, reminding you that you still have a heart.

You catch people from the corner of your eye, rolling their eyes at you, or making faces from behind when they think you can’t see. It used to hurt, now it just adds to the sadness that you already know. You find yourself wondering what your purpose is, because, you know there has to be one. You wonder if you are smart enough to notice it, or, if you have missed all the signs. People are just people, and no matter how much you love deeply from the inside, disappointment steals the space that you had set aside for the love, acceptance, and approval of others. There is no space for that, because no one will ever see you that way, not the way that you need them to. Life goes on, poking fun at your hope, dreams, and wishes, like an unfinished game that will never end. There has to be an answer, but the question is, how does one put themselves first, when, all of your life you have been left behind, shoved aside, mistaken and dismissed? How do you let go an feel when you know the result will leave you heart broken? It never heals, you just keep covering up the wounds by turning your head and looking forward, yet the pain keeps overflowing into your heart with a slow, but constant flow. Life goes on, no matter what, so, you put on a smile to the world, even try to believe it yourself, but eventually the heart fills up, allowing the emotions to spill in the form of tears, then we try again………or, the journey ends.

JaimesVoice

copyright 2015

6-25-2015