Tonight I sit alone, even though I’m not. I have days like these, have ever since I was a kid. Not sure if empty is the word I am looking for, hollow may be a better choice. I am alone with self, my own thoughts that would not fill a five gallon bucket in some one else’s world. But they are mine. They belong to me. I find an escape in solitude because I find comfort in it’s pale existence. I feel a smile pull at the corner of my lips, but only half way, when my loved one comes in to check on me. I can’t shake the uneasy feeling of lacking self worth. I only just figured out what it was as I am typing this. I do not feel worthy of anything. I have done so many things, that now to do nothing makes me feel totally useless. I’m sick. I have a crippling disease that I have never let get me down, but today the pain took over. If it that weren’t enough, I now have another illness that takes a toll on my body as well. I’m so tired. Tired of my empty, lonely, non-existent life, and I’m tired of feeling like I am worthless, not only to myself but to everyone else. I grasp at motivation, missing it most of the time, while dull, hollow, inward pain consumes my mind. I find that I can’t focus, I find it hard to concentrate or remember. Sometimes when I speak it doesn’t come out right and then I can’t remember what I was going to say. Some days I’m still me, and those are the days I live for. The one’s where I still have some fight left, and decide to continue to fight for the life I want. I have a fear that by the time I get that far Ill be too old, and all of it will be for nothing. I used to have so much drive, so much motivation, but I’ve been crushed. Crushed by the actions of others and the fears and worry they put me through. There is just nothing left of me. Still, I’m here, hanging on by the shear strength of my love for my family, and the few that make me feel like I’m still needed. As far as me, I’m not afraid. I’m satisfied. I’m just tired of feeling numb, hollow, and useless. It’s my own doing, and I will somehow find what I need to pull myself back up and fight, but for tonight, I intend to wallow. Wallow in this dark hollow place behind my bones, deep behind the vessels, and unbeknown to my own heart. Tomorrow I will shine.