Turning to Angels

Not a day goes by, that I don’t remember you.
I have so many regrets of things I didn’t say, things I didn’t do,
but you had to know I loved you, didn’t you?

You gave me life, when I had none. You did your best to teach me, give to me, and make me be my personal best at everything I attempted. You taught me morals, you gave me strength, but most of all, you gave me love.

There are those that think I lacked that Love for you. They don’t think I did you right, they think I am such a bad person, but you Mama, I know that you truly know, and that is all that matters to me.

I know you are around sometimes, every now and again I can smell your cigarettes, and I know you are near. I know you wouldn’t leave us, even now.

It breaks my heart when I remember those messages you left on my machine, the desperation in your voice, begging me to just come see you. I knew in my heart your time was near, but I didn’t want to face it, I couldn’t face it. I Loved you so much and I never lived up to what you wanted me to be, and it shamed me. It made me feel guilty, even though I tried so hard. Your blessing and approval meant everything to me, and once I figured out I would never get it, I guess I gave up, but I never really stopped trying.

You remember one of those last days that I came over, just before you got sick the last time? I went and got your groceries, and we sat and watched Nancy Grace, we laughed, talked, and at times just sat there saying nothing. I started to leave, I kissed you on your forehead, told you I loved you. I got to the door, and I felt a lump in my throat, a butterfly in my stomach, and an ache in my heart. I knew. You knew too. I turned around, shadowing my sunken face, forcing a fake smile and asked if you were hungry? I lied and said I was too. I made us a bologna sandwich, and we shared chips and split a root beer. I never told you but I’m so glad I stayed. That was the last day I spent with you before you got sick. The last REAL Mother-Daughter time we spent together, and I wouldn’t take anything for it. They can’t take that away from me. They can talk about me, they can put me down, they can say I wasn’t there for you, hell…they don’t even have to like me, because honestly, they really don’t. I had you, you had me. You were my Mama, MY MAMA…nobody else s, and I Loved you so much, and you knew it. I know you knew it. Forgive me for leaving early that night, Shana was sick and had no way home. I knew I shouldn’t have left, hell I never should have left, EVER. I should have been right there by your side the whole time, not letting pride get in the way, but Mama it hurt, it hurt so much I was a coward and I couldn’t face it. I’m strong, you knew how strong I was, I WAS the strong one among us, always, but not when it came to you. YOU found my weakness and you knew how to pull at the weakest corners of my heart and I just could not let myself believe that you wouldn’t get up from there like you always did, and go back home. I’m sorry Mama. I’m sorry I can’t take it back, and I’m sorry for every time I wasn’t there, but I will cherish every time I was, and we may be the only ones who know it but I was there more than I wasn’t. And finally, it doesn’t matter what anyone else believes, only YOU.